8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved