8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

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Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.


It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.


Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.


McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.


At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.


The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.


i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks


me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny


NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house


No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.