@mommajessiec

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

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@noogscorner

Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.

@realHamOnWry

It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.

@Chumpstring

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

@charliedelta7

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

@KentWGraham

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

@jonnysun

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

@mrjohndarby

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

@ADHDeanASL

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

@LoveNLunchmeat

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.