8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.