Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one