I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is
Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.