[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
brain: let’s talk shall we
brain: are we being chased
brain: are we chasing something
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams