@chuuew

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@megankcomedy

I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing

@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

@jordan_stratton

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

@GrantTanaka

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

@Bearslietoo

Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.

@JessObsess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@SteveSuckington

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

@buy_2_hams

*Evanescence*
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
(SAAAAVE ME)