@mommajessiec

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

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@hidingfromme

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

@baseballchickie

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

@VikeeysSecret

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”

Make up your mind already.

@fuzzlime

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

@Ivsy01

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

@thenatewolf

*The doctor hands me my son. I see that he’s Asian. I look at my wife*

ME: unbelievable

WIFE: I tried to tell-

ME: the stork flew so far!

@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

@meladoodle

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes