8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths