8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

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All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.


Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”


You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”

Make up your mind already.


just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye


If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.


*The doctor hands me my son. I see that he’s Asian. I look at my wife*

ME: unbelievable

WIFE: I tried to tell-

ME: the stork flew so far!


Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.


this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes