Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
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[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70