9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
How funny!
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
kitchen magnet
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.