[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
9: can I go play at TJ’s house?
9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times
Me: no idea
9: he lives 2 houses down
Me: not ringing a bell
9: they have a yellow dog
Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine
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ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.
Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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