If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
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When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Autocorrect is my menesis
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower