9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Made something I’m not proud of
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*