GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen