@itshotterhere

9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*

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@brennadine

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

@fatherofcomedy

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

@Henry_3000

Instead of “Add a comment” Twitter’s new quote tweet format should read, “Well, ackshually”.

@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

@shaztaberry

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

@robin_991

Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant

10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant

@longwall26

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white