Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.