9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Anyone want a chair?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A