9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.