9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
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HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
mathematically impossible
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.