9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
the three genders
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
This kid will have a bright future.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.