9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.

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Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol


This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee


3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob


The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.


GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:That sounds right


Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.


actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”


I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”


[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live


[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?