*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed