Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
G:That sounds right
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?