I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
You Might Also Like
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.