[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
why am I working on Labor Day
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks