@supermarkusa

9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”

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@ibid78

[A-ha rehearsal]
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”

@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@Playing_Dad

[On a date]
*Don’t let her know you’re a dog*
Girl: Do you want to…maybe go for a walk after this?
*starts running in circles going crazy*

@CutCopyPasta

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

@Amusitr0n

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

@OfficialMizGin

Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?

The air hockey table.

All our bathrooms have one.

@roxiqt

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@supermarkusa

I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?