@alfageeek

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

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@aneesa_p

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@KentWGraham

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

@punmagnate

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

@junejuly12

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

@patnspankme

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

@flashember

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES