Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout