@tayandmae

9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters

9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children

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@Sickayduh

Lawyer: The defense rests
Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal?
Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like “you’re a butthole”
Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle

@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@warmyellowlight

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok

[later]

me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass

@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

@GeorgeTakei

In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.

@Marlebean

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

@MickeyFisher73

Normalize calling your neighbor by his dog’s name for two whole years because you misunderstood when he introduced himself to you.

@AmericanGent69

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.