Lawyer: The defense rests
Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal?
Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like “you’re a butthole”
Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle
9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters
9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts
me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass
*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something
In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Normalize calling your neighbor by his dog’s name for two whole years because you misunderstood when he introduced himself to you.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.