Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
want me to check your oil?
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
when there are deer in the woods
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.