9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters

9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children

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Lawyer: The defense rests
Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal?
Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like “you’re a butthole”
Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle


hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for


some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]


therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok


me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass


*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something


In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.


Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.


Normalize calling your neighbor by his dog’s name for two whole years because you misunderstood when he introduced himself to you.


If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.