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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.