9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants