9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.