[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
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Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers
Me: how many wishes do I have left?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.