@TheAlexP

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

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@JohnLyonTweets

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@carlinspace

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

@mommajessiec

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

@GermanFreckles

No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.

@KeetPotato

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

@refreshingslurp

Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers

Genie: done

Me: how many wishes do I have left?

Genie: 2

Me: nice

@Darlainky

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

@ibid78

“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus

@SamuelHLowe

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.