9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill