9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Dance like you’re not the father
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*