9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
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printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things