9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
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David Attenborough, the confusing early years
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”