@RodLacroix

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

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@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

@robininthegreen

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

@TheKegKiller

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

@DrakeGatsby

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

@internetluke

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

@thedad

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

@BadaBinge

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

@MNateShyamalan

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN