[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
scares
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.