9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
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Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Good advice.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke