9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

You Might Also Like


Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.


Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato


SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert
JESUS: Oh yeah I can’t wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy


Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.


Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.


I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.


gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*


Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist


[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*


wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino