@iwearaonesie

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

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@kirbys4losers

Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.

@itscarokitty

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

@boring_as_heck

SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert
JESUS: Oh yeah I can’t wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

@fred_dog

I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.

@murrman5

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

@dumbbeezie

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

@ericsshadow

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

@aotakeo

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino