Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
9: What’s mom gonna be?
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert
JESUS: Oh yeah I can’t wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino