9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.