9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
You Might Also Like
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
True?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.