David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
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“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[training to be a crime investigator]
investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal
me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball
investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people
me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha
PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I bet those 300 Greek soldiers would have stood a better chance if they thought to wear armor instead of going to war in capes & speedos.
Him: Hurt me
Me: Your brother is hotter than you
Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either