9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!


“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn


[training to be a crime investigator]

investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal

me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball

investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people

me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people


Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired


ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha

PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord


HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.


DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.


I bet those 300 Greek soldiers would have stood a better chance if they thought to wear armor instead of going to war in capes & speedos.


*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either