9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
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Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.