@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

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@cwilso

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

@DamienFahey

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

@thepunningman

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

@ShortSleeveSuit

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

@iamspacegirl

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

@fro_vo

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

@mack44_d

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.