[at funeral] You really had to see him live
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.