9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Dudes named Chance never had one.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
how to exercise your calf muscles
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
is this meant to deter me
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.