9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Reporter: *ports again*
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop