9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
You Might Also Like
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]