@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

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@fuzzypantaloons

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

@seamusmckracken

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

@aspiringtoucan

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

@NatetheEnigma

Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.

@mommy_cusses

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

@WorkingMom86

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

@NikiWithIssues

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

@heyitsJudeD

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so