@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

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@Fab_Mommy_

This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
Psychopath.

@RxitWounds

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@ilovepie84

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

@TequilaTears

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@BobbyAwful

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

@Dr_powpow

I’m sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.