This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
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POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I’m sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.
sometimes I question my sanity, sometimes it replies