9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
This might be the funniest tweet ever
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg