GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair