9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Mistakes were made
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!