SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
9: You like Twitter Dad?
9: I’ll join and be your friend.
M: Cool, extra math is great!
9: It’s a math thing?
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I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Officer: You get one phone call…
*hangs up a few minutes later.
Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The doctor says I’m depressed because I don’t have enough iron in my diet so I’ve started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button