@Naked_Wombat

9: You like Twitter Dad?
Me: Yep
9: I’ll join and be your friend.
M: Cool, extra math is great!
9: It’s a math thing?
M: yep
9: nevermind

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@PhilipNByrne

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@JohnLyonTweets

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

@cbdoubleu

[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

@Izzybcrazy

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

@ScottLinnen

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

@

The doctor says I’m depressed because I don’t have enough iron in my diet so I’ve started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.

@suntzufuntzu

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

@anerdonfire2

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

@kacisuewho

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button