I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
the council will decide your fate
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
A fake ID that makes you younger
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.