90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity