Cheer up you won’t be single forever. One day you’ll die
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people’s houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed
Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.
Wife and I laugh hysterically,
Then I die a little inside.