@PaigeKellerman: 90% of being a parent is shouting, "Remember to flush the toilet." The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
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@GrantTanaka: A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
@SirEviscerate: *dumps more fleas on my head* *sits back down in front of chimpanzee* So, anyway, like I was saying...
@decentbirthday: *dancing with the stars* *all of a sudden there's a fault in our stars* me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this! *star wars*
@jellybnbonanza: After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.