@PaigeKellerman

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

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@ChaseMit

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

@_troyjohnson

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

@daemonic3

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

@luiki89

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

@johnbiehl

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

@Birdhumms

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

@KimmyMonte

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

@KevinFarzad

Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people’s houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed

@CoopSoSarc

Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.