@SortaSarcastic

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

- @SortaSarcastic

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@behindyourback

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

@AdamMoad

Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.

@bobvulfov

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

@thepaulahunt

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

@Reverend_Scott

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

@juneohara65

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

@Parentpains

Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.