@SortaSarcastic

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

- @SortaSarcastic

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@OneFunnyMummy

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

@YUCKYBOT

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

@pleatedjeans

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

@bananagrvyrd

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

@Home_Halfway

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

@PinkCamoTO

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

@marebytes

Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth

@lukelachance_

My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.