90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
they finally got him. they got macavity
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?