@E_lok44

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

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@MiniiG

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

@BillDixonish

If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.

@ventivodkacran

I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn’t hanging out in there, too.

@TheThomason

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

@gianni_bcn

Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven

*Gets hit by a water ballon*

Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul

@PinkCamoTO

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

@MsSugar_Kisses

Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills..
All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..

@mikejanson2

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

@UnFitz

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.