90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
dam girl
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil