90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

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If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend


If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.


I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn’t hanging out in there, too.


Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”


Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven

*Gets hit by a water ballon*

Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul


The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.


Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills..
All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..


Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all


“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower


My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.