90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Risking my life for fun.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
The A string on my guit_r is flat